The three demons and the pot of gold

Manjuka comes to do some training with us. He tells us about the hidden buddha behind every door and the pot of gold that exists somewhere within the heart of the mandala. Our job is to find the gold, but first we must enter the mandala via one of four gateways. The gateways are guarded by demons.

The first demon we encounter is the demon that tries to tell us to go away, that we are not even worthy of communicating with, that we are not even worthy of being alive. The second demon is apathetic, it is a demon of indifference. It says to us, yeah, yeah, I agree with you, those poor people in India, yes I should help you, but you know what, I'm not going to so there. The third demon is a perfectionist. It tells us that if we are excellent and good and perfect in every way and answer all their questions perfectly then it will allow us to gain access to the mandala and touch the pot of gold.

I think long and hard about which demon I encounter most on the doors - both inside of me, and also external to me in the householders that I meet.

I go out fundraising tonight and Manjuka comes with me, in order to help me with feedback on my fundraising. After I knock a few doors he asks me what's going on. I explain that I think that deep down there is this feeling that actually I'm not worthy of being here knocking these doors. I have not been aware of this feeling before, not truly in touch with it, but tonight I'm able to feel it and see it quite clearly. It's quite subtle because I go to the doors and I stand tall, I engage the householder, I acknowledge what's going on with them - I do all this without thinking, "I shouldn't be here" and then I go and say something like "you look busy" or "have I caught you in the middle of something", or "ah, I see, you haven't got much cash at the moment", and it's like I'm subtlely making my exit before I've even begun to entertain the possibility that this might go really well and that the householder is enjoying me being on their doorstep.

I hate hanging in there with the tension that they might reject me or that they might be unsure about whether to give or not. I want it black or white. I want them to say yes or no, none of this in between tension. When I talk to Manjuka about this, a great pain arises within my heart, and I realise that I am letting myself down badly, and that actually I'm being a coward. He says that we do these things because they make us feel safe, so it's ok. He says that the great thing is that I know what I'm doing, so I have great awareness and can train myself on the doors, he doesn't need to be there! I stumble somewhat as I feel I'm learning a humble lesson, and still can't quite believe that mid-way through my second appeal for Karuna, I still feel on a certain level that I don't belong on people's door-steps and that somehow I have no right to be there. I say this after having knocked many doors and gotten money off a lot of people. Fundraising for Karuna is humbling, we can only work with where we are at. Tonight I realise I'm still self-sabotaging, but that's ok, I'm working on it, it's a practice, a spiritual practice.

I call back to a couple of women, one of them called Harriet invites me in. We chat for around half an hour, and finally she says that she'd like to make a donation but she's not sure about a standing order. She's retired and feels that she can't afford it. She really likes our charity though and wants to give. We explore it some more and I ask her to help me. I suggest she takes some more time to think about what amount she could regularly give the charity, and what the charity can do with a regular amount from her, that we can't do with a donation. I also thank her for offering her donation, and reassure her that if she decides to do this then that is great. But, I challenge her some more to think about what she will get in return if she gives a little more. I feel like our relationship on this issue is down to trust, and essentially I'm asking her to trust me, and see how it might feel to give a little more. I leave the form with her, and make an appointment to go back and pick it up.

Another woman comes to her door, same story again, she really wants to support us but can't afford £10 per month, she wants to talk to her husband and daughter about it. Will I accept a donation tonight? I acknowledge her kind offer and again explain why a regular amount would be better for the charity and better for me, and I ask her in what way it might be better for her?She says she saw a colleague of mine many years ago and they knocked on her door, she can't remember why she didn't sign up then, because she really likes our charity. I wonder inside why she is thinking of passing up the opportunity again. I decide to help her out and see if she can change her mind and follow through on wanting to give us a regular amount.

I am asking her to help the people in India, and asking her to have a think about what that will feel like for her. She is very motivated and open about what we are doing in India, so again I ask her to have more of a think about it. I leave her the form, she says she'll fill it in and send it back to us. I am wise to this gatekeeper - I explain to her in a good humoured but serious way that I fear what will happen is that she'll take the form full of her good intentions which I'm seeing tonight, and that, like others have done before, she will not fill it in because life has a habit of intervening. I explain to her that if I call back that will make it more likely that she'll do it and then she'll have the satisfaction of knowing that she is giving to the charity and she has acted on her intentions. She agrees with me, and gives me a relieved smile and we make a date for next week.

I do not know if either of these women will give me their completed standing order forms, but tonight I feel like I've done everything I could possibly do to acknowledge their concerns, build trust, stay open to possibilities and offer suggestions. I also feel like I've asked them for their help and listened to them saying no, and then turned them around to consider that maybe they are not saying no to a standing order afterall. I feel more at my edge than I have before, and also I know that for today I have done all that I can, and that ultimately more patience may well be required when I visit them again, and also that I must let go of the outcome for today.

Today I faced some of my demons, and tried to tame them. Access to the mandala and the big pot of gold seems closer and more tangible than it did before.