Opening to what is there

My first night of door knocking is under my belt and so I feel somewhat relieved but also I can feel the nerves starting to build again. It is 2.15pm and we are having our afternoon break. At 4pm we will meditate in the shrine room before heading out once more.

I feel close to the sky up here in the eves of the house. The sky outside is dark and brooding, the air has picked up, wind circulating and revving like a motorbike at the traffic lights. It wants to rain but it is barely managing it. I wish it would, then I feel like I might let go of the tension within me...like the weather, I just want to break free, go beyond, purify myself and my intentions, flow through, relax and unwind.

The nerves hit me again, and I realise that this is how it is on appeal. Friendship, laughter, connection - good food - and other things, nerves, feeling scared, feeling vulnerable.

Yesterday Abhilasa suggested that we do a metta bhavana meditation each day before we go out, sending metta to ourselves; to each one of us on the team; our fundraising patches; the people in India; then expanding out to the world. I was feeling a bit scared about my streets on my patch (the same ones I'd fallen in love with the day before), and just this simple act of wishing the streets well and warm thoughts, and wishing the people out there living in those houses well made a huge difference to me yesterday.

Fundraising yesterday was fascinating, my first time for Karuna in over a year. There were some nos, some yes I'll take a booklet, and some people giving me cash. I feel pleased that I returned home with a nice crisp £20 note to put on the shrine. It felt important and a good omen that I was able to bring home some cash for the team on our first night out. I placed it next to Ratnasambhava who is at the foot of our shrine. Abhilasa asked us to imagine the £20 growing into tens of £20 notes and then there would be hundreds and thousands of them, all within this shrine room I joined in...It feels important for me to think about and see money visually alongside our shrine which has all our favourite buddhas on it, and beautiful things. It is a beautiful thing people wanting to give to Karuna, and I thank Madame Fournel of Healey Street in North London for her generosity last night.

I think about money some more, and then look out of the window again. Perhaps the rain is saving itself until later for when I'll be out in it...you never know what's going to happen do you...when you're out knocking on strangers doors...