I walk down a different street

I meditate at 8am with the team. In the stillness of my being arises a great sadness, and I am able to unfold a bit more into grief which suddenly strikes as if from nowhere about my grandmother. Who knows what strands of our psyche are interwoven and from where they come to the fore. So it is with grief, emotions come and you don't really know what's going on. I phone a good friend, Sarah, who I used to work in the Evolution shop with. I catch her before their regular Wednesday morning team meeting and she says she has ten minutes and would really like to give me her full attention for ten minutes, and for me to tell her what's going on. I really appreciate her directness, she's been on retreat the week before and we were in contact and she knew I was struggling. Sarah lost her brother around a year and a half ago now. It happened while we were working together in the shop. I am comforted by her presence, she seems very present with me, and I'm able to lean on her and ask for her help. I don't find this easy and she knows that about me. I am so grateful to have friends that really know me and have stuck by me inspite of our ups and downs.

I make a habit of reaching out for help when I need it today, it seems like the kindest thing that I can do for myself. I am lucky, surrounded by family and friends.

I go out on the doors in the evening. Before I begin I sit on a bench (my regular bench). After a couple of minutes a man arrives and announces that there's enough room for both of us on the bench. He squeezes in beside me, his leg almost on top of mine. I say to him that actually it's all a bit tight for me and I get up. He gives me no eye contact and I am left standing while he sits. A woman rolling a cigarette across on the other side of the bench says to me: "Oh, don't worry, would you like my seat, I can go sit somewhere else". I thank her and we nod and make eye contact, she smiles at me. I think, how kind of her, and she seems genuinely pleased to be giving up her seat for me.

Before I'm able to sit down in the space she left, the guy has started to put all his food out where she was sitting. I make a beeline for the end of the bench beside his food, and he shuffles it back a little bit into his rather large orbit that his "being" seems to need tonight. Inside I feel hurt, angry and sensitive. The stories in my head say: "How are you feeling Jo? Ah, hurt, ah, angry". Can you say something to this man, how can you meet his energy? You should stick up for yourself Jo, tell him how unpleasant you've found the last few minutes, how insensitive he's been. I mull it all over, and close my eyes. I think NVC language..."I'm feeling hurt, because I'm needing connection, empathy, kindness, ease...respect, sensitivity". Is there a request I want to make to this man? Nope. Is there a request I want to make to myself, yes, "would you be willing to talk to this man, Jo?" - Nope, I'm too angry. "Would you be willing to give yourself some love and metta in this situation? - Yes, I sit and try to soothe my hurt feelings. After 5 minutes I get up and walk away, leaving the man on the bench.

As I approach the road I've decided to knock doors on this evening, I walk down the street taking it all in and trying to recover from the bench incident and the man. I feel freer of it now that I'm connecting with my fundraising street. I knock on door 47, no answer, but a car pulls up. In it a woman is pointing her finger at me and mouthing something, almost shouting through the passenger seat. She looks so angry and she is wagging her finger at me screaming "No, No, No, No!". I am standing at her door with my booklets. I think to myself, gosh, she's angry, and gosh, I bet she thinks I'm selling something. And afterwards I think about her mental state and realise I have no idea what her day has been like and what might have happened in her life to put her in that mental state. I mouth to her and point to her house, and say "Is this your house?" - I know that she can't hear me through the car window. She is incensed with anger, and I feel the only thing I know I must do is try to hold her gaze, but in a soft way, so as not to exacerbate her anxiety. She slowly looks away and keeps looking straight ahead away from me. She's not getting out of the car, and I realise it is time for me to walk away from this woman, this other human being out there. I feel like I've shown her my humanness, and hopefully softened around her anger.

As I walk away I realise I'm in no fit state to knock another door straight away. I walk down the street slowly and tears come to my eyes. I think, what a world, and what are those two encounters all about, one after the other? Our minds create our worlds I think, and I think of karma. I realise how interconnected we all are and how much I still have to learn and practice. I have let both these beings state of minds affect mine, and I realise that my conditions for this evening so far have been pretty challenging. I look for somewhere to sit down and have a proper cry. The tears feel like tears for my grandmother and they need a resting place. I find a quiet street that I've never been on before. There is nowhere to sit down, but I can breathe more easily here. My tears dry and I take a look around. I think about giving up for the evening, then I remember Manjusvara saying to us earlier on today, the worst thing a fundraiser can do is give up. I look around, the houses don't look that bad on this street even though its not marked up on my map. I decide to warm up on this street, and give it a go. Part of the street is a great Karuna street, lots of people take booklets, I get into the swing of it. Afterall, I've walked down a different street.

After a while I realise I must go back and face my demons on the original street. I go to the women's house who was shouting at me from the car. I knock on her next door neighbours house. No one answers and then I move down the street. It's another good street, lots of people take booklets and I make a couple of really good connections with the householders.

When I get home I tell the guys that I feel I've had a tough night. I am met by warm glowing faces and an ease of communication and support that I've been longing for. They tell me I'm fab, and that they're sorry I've had a tough evening. I hear all about their evenings and I realise I am not alone, they have had similar ups and downs. Paddy says to me, whenever I'm out on the street, and anyone is giving me grief just bring him to mind, he will be my protector. I shy away from telling him that I already think about him especially when I encounter people who sometimes tell me to go away and want to close the door on me quickly. I think what would Paddy say, he would say internally to the householder "you can do better than that", "we can all do better than that".