11 June - Waking Up!

I sit typing from my lovely new home in Stoke Newington, North London. We are right by Clissold Park, and on the corner of Green Lanes. It feels familiar to me, close to the Turkish community on Green Lanes, and this corner of North London seems to hold many of my friends from the lesbian community too. I feel at home.

When I walked into the room I will be sharing for the next 6 weeks with a stranger called Naomi I felt an auspicious energy in the room. The room is in the eves in the top of the house. Ever since I was a kid I've wanted to live in a den in the attic. I think it's because we lived in a bungalow when I was a kid, and there never felt anywhere safe to retreat too.

The room is yellow, and holds a huge picture of the Refuge Tree - all of our Buddhist teachers from different traditions, past and present. I am told later that the room used to be used as the shrine room in this house, so for a number of years the guys used to meditate here. Aha, I think, as I recollect the auspicious energy I felt on first entering the room.

Last night I went out "scouting" around my fundraising patch. The first part where I'll be for the next two weeks is in Kentish Town. I liked the urbanness of it, the hustle and the bustle, the sun was shining, so was I, I felt full of love and energy, open, compassionate, full of love and desire. I fell in love with the first part of the streets I'll be knocking doors on. I paused later to text Jo, our trainer, that the streets were beautiful, we are beautiful, what's not to feel beautiful about? I ended up telling her on the phone, as she'd left me a message to call her which I picked up when I turned my phone on. I felt supported checking in with the trainer, who happens to be a pal of mine, it makes a big difference knowing that you're in a team and there's someone whose job it is to support you whilst you're out roaming the streets by yourself.

I lit incense on street corners, it was windy, I nearly burned my hand, and then I nearly set my bag on fire. It felt good though, somehow wild and potent to be bringing this loving fiery energy to these streets. It was there already this energy, and it was reflected back to me as I walked and chanted.

"Om mani padme hum" for a certain number of streets, then: "Om ah hum vajra guru padma siddhi hum". I walked around like a hippy purifying my streets with vanilla incense. It smelt good, I stopped to sniff in the incense lots. My senses opened. I met an older woman, bringing in her shopping from Sainsburys. She asked if I was lost as I was looking at my map, I told her no, told her what I was doing, fundraising in the local area for a few weeks, told her about Karuna, she seemed interested, said to be sure to drop by and give her some information. We said goodbye and have a nice evening, she closed her door. I forgot I had a booklet in my bag I could give her. Should I go back and knock on her door? Something stopped me. Fear...stopped me dead in my tracks. And then rationalising...I don't want to begin fundraising tonight, maybe I could just enjoy the interaction and pop back later...was she really that interested? I haven't got my badge so technically it's illegal...fear, stops me dead in my tracks. I tell myself I'll go back for sure when I'm on her street in two weeks time. Missed opportunities...I ponder, it's all so obvious and clear after the event...missed opportunities...one of my fundraising edges to explore I suspect.

On the way back home I pull up to some lights on Seven Sisters Road near Finsbury Park. I've been walking and cycling for almost three hours tonight, and I am tired. I am reciting the Transference of Merits and Self Surrender ritual that I will lead in the shrine room tonight with the team. I said these words for this ritual every day for two years when I worked in the Evolution gift shop in Bethnal Green, East London. On my bike I can remember them. The light is red, I pause. There is nothing coming, the road is bare. I move off through the red light. Out of the corner of my eye I see a car pulling up beside me, blue flashing lights. They feel ominous, I am in the middle of the road, turning right, and I realise I'm being flashed at. A policeman is yelling at me through his window, and I mean yelling. He's yelling "look at me!" "look at me!" - I feel instinctively that I cannot cycle and look at him next to me at the same time. There is a bus in the other carriageway coming towards me. "Hang on a sec I yell back!" "I'm cycling, let me pull over". Slowly he drops back and let's me pull in, although I feel his resistance to this. Perhaps he is a little scared, like me.

Over on the pavement I wait for him and his colleague. I breathe, stay in the present moment, I wait for them, not looking behind me. I wait...

He yells some more, quite a lot actually, "How could you be so stupid?!" "Going through not one but two red lights". I apologise, I say I'm sorry. "Didn't you notice what you were doing?!" - "I'm sorry..." "I thought it was just one red light, I'm sorry" - "so you're not even aware of the two red lights, you shouldn't be riding your bike you're not safe!" - "I'm sorry" - I go soft, realise he is full on raging, and I soften, and I wonder what he's really trying to communicate to me.

He let's me off without a fine of £40 which he says he could give me. I am pleased, £40 is my Karuna pocket money for the week, and I feel like I will value it all the more so now. I cycle home, mindful of the lights, pausing at red, and stopping.

When I "check in" the next morning with the team I recall my experience. I was in love with the beauty and passion and everything that is wonderful about the world, my heart so full of love and tenderness yesterday. The red light was a wake up call - it said to me - awaken!! Awaken!! AWAKEN!! As a good friend said to me recently: "Keep your feet on the ground as you fly through the sky". It is good advice, I feel I want to take heed of it, but it's not easy. Perhaps this will be a koan for me as I tread these streets for the next six weeks.

We are doing role plays today - preparing us for the doors. Something has me in it's grasp, I feel alive, tender, scared, fearful, passionate, wrathful, loving, generous, fearless. I feel it all and more. I dance and dart. I apologise to my new roomie Naomi, as I realise that I was a bit too "full on" in my feedback to her around the role playing we did this morning. I feel that I was not as sensitive as I would have liked to have been. My self view is challenged once more, my ego, - "I'm not the sort of person who does that...I'm a sensitive person..." - my ego is once more crushed. I apologise and she responds. We end up in fits of laughter...real belly laughter. I feel better, like we are releasing the tension between us. We are scared today, Naomi and I, scared about what we've let ourselves in for I shouldn't doubt. Tonight we will knock doors for the first time on this appeal. For Naomi it will be the first time ever on a Karuna Appeal. I rejoice in her courage and bravery. I reflect about this wonderful opportunity that Karuna brings us. I want to grasp it with both hands. I want to pour my heart into it. I want to run away and hide. That is how it is. I remember Padmasambhava's advice goes along something like this: I do not have, I do not understand, I do not know.

I open to the mystery of it all...