I see you Mara

I see you Mara, I see you. I know you Mara, I know you. What have you brought for me today? An army full of beautiful maidens, adorned with jewels, long flowing locks, temptresses at my door. I'm not interested today, Mara, you go away and play with them. Ah, what have you brought now...some more doubt, some more insecurity, some more sadness. I see you feelings, I see you, I feel you feelings, I feel you. My feelings flow and wander back away with Mara. In the stillness I think I hear the nothingness reflected back at me.

Today I'm irritable, untrusting, fearful. I am bare as the day I was born. I am the incredible hulk, Jo with a green mask, I want to rip it, tear it, scratch it to shreads. I want to let the light shine upon me, through me, from me. I want to love, without fear.

Everything that comes from outside I do not trust today, like I want to protect myself from everything and everyone. It is a painful way to be. It's like I can't give people the benefit of the doubt. My universe narrows. I sit in meditation trying to be with the emptiness. Trying to dwell, trying to dwell, trying...I surrender. I turn my mind to surrendering, make a decision to do it, I surrender again.

I am scared and can let it in more than I have ever been able to. I want my life to be neatly packaged like some toffed up avacado from Sainsbury's. Why do I yearn for packaging around me? I want everything to be safe and bright, and known. No feelings for me that I cannot control, no bad things to happen to me, no withering, no death, no end of me and mine. I cannot function in this much suffering, my mind contorts and I decide to get a hour's sleep.

Who knows what tonight will bring?