Easing into the softness

"I really don't want to go out tonight, I really don't want to go out fundraising." I say to Paddy..."Don't ever do a second fundraising appeal" I giggle...Paddy has already mentioned he wants to do a second appeal and he's only a week into his first! This man has many special qualities I think to myself.

On my first appeal last year in Leeds, I just sort of pushed myself out of the door and went for it each night, afterall I had no experience and nothing to lose, every experience was a bonus, a building block. On my first appeal if I'd have entertained thoughts of really simply not wanting to go out there and been fully with my resistance then I probably would have cracked up and never gone out there again. Instead I just pushed my resistance to one side and got on my bike and cycled up those huge hills to get to where I was going. On this second appeal it is different. Because I'm slightly more confident in some ways, and I'm a bit more familiar with Karuna in a certain way, there seems more time to actually take in and be with my emotions and experience, and then move out in the world from there.

Tonight I experienced severe resistance to going out at all, and then my kind team mate Paddy said to me in response to my moaning..."Just take one step at a time...just get to your patch first and see how it goes from there". Good advice, Paddy, good advice I thought, and I got on my bike and went to my patch.

I sat and contacted the softness and the fear again. Slightly more practiced at sitting and contacting softness within me, I felt like my mask needed to slip once more and I needed to go out on the doors and just be Jo again, connecting and showing an interest in others lives. The fundraising agenda shelved once more, I set off to make some new friends.

My grandmother is seriously ill and we were told by the doctors last week that she wouldn't make it to this week. It is now Tuesday and she is still with us, but I feel that she slips in and out of consciousness all the time, and in a sense is fully in a bardo between life and death. I bring her to mind a lot today and let myself dwell on her positive qualities, and wish her well. My tenderness has come from feeling in a spin and all churned up knowing that these are her last days. I have an image that all that I want to do is sit in a monastery somewhere with other monks and nuns in robes, and chant mantras in low tones, and count mala beads, mindful of life, mindful of death, I am praying and honouring my grandmother's life.

The streets could not have been kinder to me tonight. What a contrast with yesterday. Today I roll up to people's doors, I have no agenda other than getting to know them. One woman looks ill, I say hello to her, and then, you're not looking so well. She has a headache, but she says she wants to know what I'm there for, and then, interested, she starts to connect with me. There is no door between us, we are simply there giving each other our time and attention. I move onto another door, a woman looks flustered and tired. I say, you're looking like you're in the middle of something that taking up a lot of your attention and effort. She is packing for a weekend break in Barcelona. She is knackered. She is also fascinated and interested in Karuna. Our connection runs like a role play in the best training session ever. I say something intriguing and inviting, she dances back with something equally passionate, she asks all the right questions, I relax and just be myself, we end up chatting for ages.

Two guys in the street are hanging out after their run. I wander over to them, something that yesterday I would have run a mile from. I wander over and talk to them about running. I did a 10K run in Victoria Park on Sunday, they are happy to talk about their running. We chat about what I'm doing, what charities they support, I ask them what they work as, what they're passionate about. They talk about charities they volunteer for, one is an HIV charity I know well. We are connecting beautifully, I tell them I love their street, they seem to know everyone on it, they love their street too. They both take booklets and tell me to call back, they'd like to support us. I wander some more on their street, a couple of guys watching the football at different doors I see through their windows. I ask them who's playing, it's France vs Italy. It's a big match, we talk about the football, they seem very open to talking about the charity, and their girlfriends, and what they're doing at the weekend.

It doesn't get any better than this I think, door knocking for Karuna. Everybody I saw tonight seemed to want to move towards me and all because I was softer, more interested in them and open to them than I'd ever been before. Everything changes, everything is impermanent, but tonight my night was sweet.

We put up our scoreboard today with our targets on it. It was a bit daunting, even though I knew it was coming. It brings up my competitive instincts which I can't decide if I like about myself or dislike. We all came home with nothing to write on our board tonight...not even any cash let alone standing orders. We've had a few standing orders and/or bits of cash every evening we've been here, but not tonight. We rejoice in the irony and the timing of our first fallow night with the scoreboard now in full view. It's our team secret in-joke for one night only.

I talk to my friend Kath later in the evening. She is brushing her teeth. She mumbles when she picks up her phone. I say, are you in the middle of eating, she says: "mmno, I'm busshing my teef", I think how lovely that she feels relaxed enough with me to speak to me with a mouthful of paste and spit. We decide I'll ring back in two minutes, I do and she allows me to tell her how fearful I've been of late, I tell her about the illness in my family, about a new relationship that is bringing love into my life, about changing jobs, and moving into the appeal community. She reminds me that that's a lot of change. She listens and witnesses my words, she suggests that I think about giving myself some more compassion, have I thought about being more compassionate to myself? I grin inwardedly, Kath is not a buddhist and to my knowledge does not know that much about Karuna, but inside this woman really knows all about buddhism and karuna I think to myself. I tell her I'm so grateful that she was able to be there for me this evening, and that we were able to connect. She wishes me well, and let's me know that I can call again anytime.