Searching for the hero

I have a confession to make. There is a part of me that feels shameful about knocking on people's doors and asking them to talk to me and give me money. There you go I've said it. On the one hand, there is something heroic about walking these streets and knocking on strangers doors - it's not for everyone, so people say to me. On the other hand, the common images of people knocking on doors in our society are of people selling double glazing, pushy salesmen trying to rip people off or coerce people into buying stuff that they don't really need. What am I selling? myself? Karuna? people? love? connection? an opportunity? An opportunity to give and feel good about giving? I am selling something, but have I sold it to myself first? Do I feel that Karuna is an opportunity for me to give something, and feel good about giving it?

Shame kicks in, it's habitual for me, but these days I recognise it sometimes in a shot and I have ways of being with it and moving through it. What are my real motives for knocking on people's doors? Do I want to spread the dharma? Be creative? sometimes. Do I just want people's money? Why do I want people's money?

There is something deeply irrational about volunteering for a Karuna appeal...it has no logic to it whatsoever! Why would I want to go out there on the streets risking feelings of shame, humiliation, rejection, anger, - risking feelings of connection, openness, love, generosity, positivity. Sometimes I find the more positive feelings more difficult to open to. Take "Danny" that I met last night. I rang the doorbell, waited, waited some more, then walked onto the next house. I heard a window open, - hang on a sec, Danny peered down from three flights of stairs at me. He was a guy in his late 40s, he seemed soft. I craned my neck to see him. "Hi, I'm calling from a charity" "Oh, ok, which one?" "The Karuna Trust" - "Oh, the Karuna Trust, hang on a sec I'll come down". I felt instantly at home with Danny, so much so that I knew I should be sitting down on his wall when he came down, so that I could connect with my feeling of "at homeness", rather than standing waiting eagerly at his door.

Just before he opened the door I got up and when the door opened I asked him how he was, he asked me how I was, I said I was mid way through my evening, but having an ok evening. We chatted some more, he'd thought I said the Kerala Trust...he'd been to Goa...I've been to Kerala...we chatted some more. He knew about the Dalits, he didn't support any other charities, but would like to support ours. I wonder why it is that some people remain strangers to us and others we become firm friends with? It's a mystery. After my interaction with Danny I realised I was in no state to knock on another door straight away. The interaction was simply too lovely, too positive...it would phase me and I'd carry it and my expectations to the next door. It was time for my mid-evening break anyway, and there was something about my experience of Danny that I wanted to savour, mull over and delight in. I went to the pub and bought myself a cranberry juice. The football was on, I watched it from afar, and thought about the other side of the street I'd be knocking next.

As I was running around the park this morning, I bumped into a friend of mine, a woman called Lucy. It was a complete coincidence but she lives across the other side of the park. I turned around and we ran around together until she left at the other side to go to the gym. London is not as full of strangers as I thought. As I ran I thought of Padmasambhava, I listened to M People on my Ipod and thought about the heroic element of fundraising, and how to get in touch with the hero within me.

I thought, whenever I feel scared tonight, I will remember Padmasambhava's magic staff, and ask him to conjure it up to be held in my right arm as I knock on strangers doors, strangers who will hopefully become friends. For me the staff represents wisdom, love and courage, and desire to burn with these qualities from my heart's depths. I want to stand tall and proud with my flaming staff, a little bit of magic to make me remember my purpose. A heroic endeavour, just as my fellow human beings in India who make such good use of the money we raise, are also heroes, with their own battles to fight, their own love of life and of opportunity.