Fears and rain

Red poppies and green stalks,
Blue bibles and champagne
These things go together
Like my fears and the rain

I walk down the street with my good friend, Santavajri. She has kindly offered to come out door knocking with me for the evening and give me feedback and support about how I am doing with it. I am happy to be with such a kind friend, and I know instantly that I can be myself with her. "How are you feeling?" she says to me. "Sad, vulnerable, scared". "Aha..." The way she says it I know that it is alright to be with her and that she will not wish my emotions away, in fact she will encourage me to be with them.

We walk down a street, I don't like it. It has lots of flats with high steps, I take an instant dislike to it. Later on down the street it looks a bit better, I decide I'm ready to start knocking on doors.
I ring a bell to a flat, an Indian woman opens her third floor window, she says something to me, I don't understand what it is. I try to talk to her, we don't connect, she sends her mother to the window, "No English, no English" - I say, "Oh, ok..." I feel a little silly that I didn't get the hang of that more quickly. I realise it takes me by surprise, and I feel slow and heavy-hearted tonight.

A few doors on and it's not going well, I realise that I am nervous and not liking my surroundings. Santavajri joins me in a bit and suggests we try the street further on. It's better, but tonight all the doors look like castles to me, and the gates feel like drawbridges firmly closed shut, the gardens and pathways feel like moats that swallow me up and I'm on the verge of drowning in them.

A man comes to the door, the dogs are going wild behind his door. "What is it Eric? What is it?" I hear from inside the house...someone sounds anxious. Eric comes to the door...he is very elderly and confused, suffering, and he shouts and points at me "close the gate, close the gate, it's the dogs, the gate!". I take my leave as he suggests.

Midway through the evening I check in with Santavajri. She has come with me to a few doors, witnessing my door knocking, fundraising and communication. I feel fear, sadness, vulnerability and grief within my belly. Santavajri suggests we walk down the street and I try to contact it some more. At the end of the street she suggests I stay in touch with it, drop my "Karuna business agenda" and just try to go to the doors and let the householders see me and all my sad vulnerability. I tell her it's the thing that I find least easy, but the thing that tonight I know I must take another step towards. She reminds me that fundraising is all about contacting how I am, and being with it, and then opening out from there. She tells me that I should forget about raising money and just try to take in others as human beings, some of whom might be sad and vulnerable tonight just like me. Just focus on trying to make the human connection. She leaves me and goes off to get tea, I'll join her later.

As I walk up the street towards the next doors some energy arises within me, the energy born of tenderness that I've been able to contact, and I feel closer to my vulnerability. I soften, let go, loosen my control over my "mask" that says: "I am in control, I am a fundraiser, I will make money". Tonight I practice just being Jo, Jo the human being that is sad and vulnerable and full of grief. It starts to rain, but I am there with it, no need to run and hide. I allow myself the practice of trying to let the householders see me as a human being. I try to let them in and see me, I feel more real.

It's just my fears and rain.