Opening to love

It is day 2, week 6, all of a sudden I feel, on the one hand, the pressure and urgency of time (I have 4 more nights to go door-knocking, £136 in standing orders still to raise) and, on the other hand, I feel the expansiveness of the Universe, the diamond like quality of ultimate reality, ultimate truth, that is timeless, expansive, beyond.

How is it possible I wonder to hold these two diametrically opposed thoughts? Ah, I realise, they are just thoughts, and then I realise that it is "me" polarising them, and then I let go into something else. I let go into a sense that is difficult to describe, some felt sense of yearning, longing actually, to go beyond all this, all this that makes up our little worlds. A sense of longing for the void, for emptiness, for ultimate transcendence, for Buddhahood, for Enlightenment, for the freeing, cosmic, trascendental spirit of the awakened one. It is all I have ever known or wanted of life somehow, these spiritual questions that stir me into life, into living, into coming alive.

I make myself some decaf coffee. I wonder, how much do I really want to awaken that I choose decaf everytime? That watered down version...but it helps me so much more than the full on caffeine variety...that can give me a quick buzz and then a crash. I've tried life that way, and now I prefer the slow process of awakening, unfolding to what is there, and for now at this stage of my life, I don't want my coffee to speed this process up somehow, I want it to be there alongside me, witnessing, nuturing and encouraging my journey. I slurp coffee. Perversely, it hits me like a train crash that there is only ever this moment to practice in. To manifest our deeply held values. To take a risk. To open up. To be seen. To stand firm. To dance and play. To love and connect. To open. To open to love.

On the doors I feel it everywhere, it's around me and in me and in them and around them, the householders that is.

"Hello"
"Hello"
We smile at each other. Ah, breathe, breathe some more. He is smiling at me, ah, take that in, I'm smiling back, ah, breathe, he's smiling back.
I giggle, he laughs a little. Our eyes grow and sparkle together.

We have said hello. He knows that I'm either trying to sell something or am feeling nervous about asking him for something.

"I'm calling from a charity", the first bit I stumble over slightly, and catch myself. I've said this line hundreds of times over the past 6 weeks, but tonight, in the face of his smile, and his warmth, I stumble, then feel embarrassed. I feel self-conscious, and aware that I feel unable to really meet and be ready to accept his smile and his love and warmth towards me.

His eyes open a little, soften, they glisten in the early evening light, they are dark green, and his face is soft. He looks interested in me, attentive.

"We work in India".
"Ah, in India, that's great, can I have a look at your booklet".
"Of course, here you go".
"Have you been to India yourself?"
"No, but some of my flatmates have".
"Ah, do you live in a houseshare?"
"No, there are three families living here"
"Three families..."

We chat for a few more minutes, his name is Joel, I tell him mine is Jo. His smiles warm me, like the heat from a fire when you've been thoroughly numbed by the cold and your hands yearn for the warmth.

I am caring for myself these days, doing this Karuna appeal has taught me to be more loving and kind and tender towards myself and my needs. When I go to people's doors, it is like I'm able to be really kind to myself. Hello Jo, I say, how are you? How are you feeling today? Ah, sad, that's ok, Ah, tired, that's alright, it's ok to be tired. Ah, alive, mmm, that feels good doesn't it?

Then the householders answer the door and they look and sound kind to me, they often smile, and then relax quite quickly. They don't seem to be in a hurry to get rid of me, and I'm in no hurry to leave. After all, is my evening about these interactions with my fellow human beings or is it about ticking boxes and scribbling on forms, and receiving bank details? I realise instinctively that if it's not about the quality of my connection with myself and with others then Karuna appeals are about nothing at all.

I feel I have learnt to love myself, and in doing so, I've learnt how to open more to love in the universe. It feels as if this love was hiding all along in the universe- and sometimes it wasn't doing a very good job of hiding but I still managed to miss it anyway. The love of a partner, the love of a father, the love of a friend, of a sister, a mother, a brother, a child. In opening to their love I have learnt to give them more love, and I've learnt to think of us all surrounded by love, just dipping in and out of some universal pool. The things that stop me dipping my toe in and spreading this love around me and others are fear, and harshness, and cruelty, and disconnection, and harm. This is the other pool. I've always got a choice which pool I dip my toe in.

I call my father, I have some news to tell him, and an apology to make to him. He receives my news with kindness, even though I can tell that part of him is wounded slightly and uncertain and a bit scared for me. He tells me to take care of myself, and I tell him don't worry I'll look after myself.

Part of him is so open to love it makes me cry just thinking of him now, tears drop on my lap. I think of my father, and how loving he is, and how grateful I feel that he is able to show me his love, and that, finally, finally, I feel more open than I ever have to receiving it.

He receives my apology with great dignity, and openness, and immediately says to me, don't worry, I understand, things have changed, I understand that you need to do what you need to do. He is acceptance personified, and I babble a bit at him going on a bit even though he keeps saying it's ok, because ultimately I am not yet totally open to the acceptance that he shows me, time after time. It's painful thinking about how I block myself from him helping me with this strong need for acceptance. Today, I feel like caving in, and letting it all wash through me, allowing his love to touch me deeply.

Akasavajri calls, she asks how I am. I tell her that I love her and I'm really excited about seeing her later. She tells me that's all she needs to hear right now, and that she loves me too. We talk for a while longer then hang up. I think often these days about what I would do if today was the last day of my life in this body, and what I would want to do with my last day. The only thing that feels important to me when this awareness is with me, this awareness of what is important in the present moment, is that I tell the people that I love that I love them and am able to spend some time with them.

As the appeal draws to an end, I am much more aware of my interconnectedness with others, much more open to giving people an opportunity to express their love, and to receive it, and much more open to showing people my love for them. What a gift I think, and how grateful I am to receive it.