It's Thursday night of Week 5 of the appeal. So far this week I have raised no money in standing orders. My target of £80 in standing orders for the week looks elusive to me, and yet, all I know is that I just have to keep going out there and trying to connect with the householders, and trying to be creative.
Once again, I've had a pleasant evening. Some lovely conversations with people. I do enjoy connecting with people on the doorstep very much. One couple invited me in for a cup of tea and a biscuit. They gave me a donation of £10, and I thanked them heartily. At 9.30pm this evening I packed my books away in my bag, and sighed, the glass seemed half empty to me. This is all because for the third night in a row I've brought home no standing orders, and I missed yesterday because I was ill, and I feel like I've missed an opportunity to do a night's door-knocking and make some money.
As I reach inside my right hand pocket for the keys for my bike, my fingers touch five pound coins and a £20 note. It dawns on me straight away that in my focusing on the despair of not getting any yellow standing order forms from anyone, I have forgotten about the people who gave me cash donations tonight, about the cup of tea and the biscuit, about the connections with everyone, and about what a nice evening I've had.
At the beginning of my evening I wandered into this Catholic church that has become my new "bench" - a place to perch at the beginning of the evening, and to tune in to how I'm feeling, and to make contact with myself and then the wider universe before I go and knock on people's doors. Tonight I said a prayer that the Universe would help me contact it's will for me, and help me to let go of clinging to my intended outcomes of my efforts for the evening (namely, yellow bits of paper with people's bank details on). I prayed that I would be given help with contacting all that is rich and wonderful in the world, and let go of the craving for standing orders and the insubstantial validation that they bring my (substantial!) ego.
As I unlock my bike ready to go home, I have forgotten my earlier prayer and I am caught up in ego and disappointment once more. When I get home I find out that only one of the others has a standing order, and I feel pain and disappointment about finding myself nudged into bottom place on the scoreboard. I sigh, as I talk to Abhilasa about the disappointment I feel, and how I inflict even more punishment on myself by this feeling of competitiveness (with the others on the team) and disappointment that has set in for me this evening. I know as I type this that we all, everyone of us, on these appeals work with these same type of thoughts, and I know how quickly our feelings can change.
Abhilasa helps me with some visualisations and I imagine my disappointment as a small piece of coal within my body, I contact it and find out it's shape and size. I grasp it with both hands, and move it outside my body in my mind. It starts to shine, and it's silvery edges start to look beautiful. Before long there is a purple fluffy piece of cloth around it and it is looking resplendent in it's 'camp' cosy fluffy covering. It then transforms into silver, gleaming from the darkness. I realise that my piece of coal, my disappointment, is giving me the message that I am good enough, that my best is good enough, and that I'm a perfect human being, perfect in my imperfections.
I remember that everything is impermanent and that these mental states do not last, and that there is nothing like a Karuna appeal to show you how perfectly human you are. There is no place to run, no place to hide. Bhante said of fundraising that it provides: "Subjective feedback par excellence". I feel humbled as I contact feelings of warmth and tenderness towards myself, and realise that it's time to look after myself and retire to bed. Afterall, I know that tomorrow is another day, and that I am open to whatever magic and teachings it will bring.
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