Emerging from a deep sleep

I realise that I have been sleeping my way through my life for the past few months. Karuna has begun to wake me up. Today we did training with Manjuka again. He asked us to think of the people we meet on the doors as a mere reflection of our own states of mind, and a reflection of what is alive in us at that moment when we knock on the door. If we are closed and shy we will meet shy people that tell us that no, they don't want to support us. He asks us to think about what kind of people we are meeting. We are all meeting different people.

The people I meet are divided into three camps. The first lot of people I'm meeting on the doors are householders that are really open to me. They are warm and giving and generous, and seem to smile at me instantly and then seem really interested in what I have to say. They take an interest in me, often showing me this through body language or eye contact. Often they invite me in for a cup of tea, or dinner even. I am amazed that there is such openness on these streets. These people are reflections of the part of me that loves myself and shows this love to others. The part of me that is able to reach out to others and take them in and hold them in loving appreciation. When I am in contact with these feelings, it is as if the householders are relaxed and at ease, and shining back at me. Often they give us money, standing orders or donations. It's been an excellent week so far money wise. I made more than my personal target for the week, and our team smashed it's weekly target tonight and we've got two nights of door-knocking left still. We are all very pleased. There is a while still to go on the appeal, and we have a lot of money still to raise, but tonight we're in jubliant mood.

The second set of householders I meet are people who are confused or uncertain. It is as if there is some fog between them and me. I realise that if I am able to stay with their and my uncertainty, then often the fog lifts. If I'm not able to stay with the uncertainty (which is the case more often at the moment) then I walk away from the encounters feeling bereft and even more confused.

The third set of householders I meet are people who are up for dancing with me. Sometimes I initiate the dance, sometimes I hang back and follow their lead. For me they often are saying no, and yes, at the same time. My habitual tendency is to panic a bit and to focus on the no, because it is safer, and I don't want to open up possibilities of yes's that eventually might end up in nos. I'd rather get the rejection over quick and proper like a short sting, rather than a painful lingering wound.

Of course one thing I'm realising is that to be a really good fundraiser it is these people that I must stay with and try to dance with. These are the people that will make the difference to whether I raise my target amount or not. If I can stay with the tension of the yes and the no, and open up possibilities for them and me then things will start to happen. Today I vow to dance more with people. To focus on being with my fear and to try to open things up with people rather than close things down. Tonight I have a good night and realise that I'm leaving a lot of space for the householder to come to me, rather than me go to them. It's a pleasurable dance, like somehow they are exploring whether they're interested in supporting Karuna, rather than me explore it for them in a more directive way. Today I focus on following, rather than leading interactions. Doors open, money is made.