Kshitigarbha comes to save me

It's the end of week 5 of the appeal, and I am sitting in my bed typing late at night. Today has been magical in so many ways. The team began with a checking-in session which lasted around 3 hours this morning. I was determined to bring myself and my experience more into the team dynamic this morning. I have this deep desire to connect with my team mates, and to reveal a little more of myself to them. When you live in Buddhist communities with people it's like there's a lot going on for people, and some of it is hidden below the surface. Some of it you catch glimpses of, and some of it starts to stare back at you, egging you on, to turn it over and look at it, like a precious stone, holding it up to the light and peering at it to see if it is really pure.

And so it was with some of my habits and character defects and assets today. I had some things to take responsibility for, some habits to break free from, and some apologising and making amends for harm I felt I may have done. The practice of turning myself over to the light and of trying to purify my intentions and reach out and connect with my team mates felt very cathartic and healing today. Everyone started to share some of their own little habits and tendencies and some of the pain of the team's lack of connection which had felt it's presence the night before when each one of us seemed to feel unable to support another.

We emerged feeling a lot more supportive and open and generous towards each other I think. Somehow willing to go a bit deeper, be a bit more open and vulnerable towards each other, and an intention to love each other more deeply. These intentions I feel will be invaluable for us as we go into our final week together and keep practising and going out there in order to collect money for Karuna.

Tonight it rained, and rained hard. I sat under a bush in a church yard and watched the rain fall, torrentially at times. It was the beginning of my evening and it seemed like the Universe was telling me to surrender, and let go. I phoned Santavajri, the appeal team leader at Karuna. I could not think of a better time to phone the fundraising guru herself, and I wanted to connect with my friend. In her seven years of fundraising on Karuna appeals, she has literally been there and done it, several times over. I feel that there is probably no situation that I find myself in, no mental state, which she has not experienced. Talking to her filled me with confidence in myself. I think it was the instant empathy that emerged when I talked about not making any money at all this week, and how despairing this was, and how I was on such a high last week, that made me feel warm and held.

I trudged around in the rain and met some householders, one of whom, called Stuart, was absolutely lovely and seemed to instantly connect with Karuna and it's work as he flicked through the pages of the book one by one and asked me about the work that each page was talking about and has pictures of. I'll go back and see him on Monday and hopefully he'll sign up. I felt lifted by our conversation. A few doors later and many people saying no I started to feel despairing, until at 8.30pm I thought I've had enough and stood under a tree, the rain pouring, and ate my sandwich, my dinner for the evening. People walked past, on their way to the pub, and out for dinner, and I wondered what a strange sight I must be, huddled under a tree, sandwich in hand, my umbrella and bag on the wall, no place to call home for me.

As I went through my call backs to householders who already have a copy of our booklet I realised that being Friday night most people were out and started to get really down-hearted. I gave up the thought of getting any money this week long ago (well, yesterday actually). As I started along Falkland Road at 9.15pm I realised that I was in despair and that actually I had given up. But really being able to be with my feelings of despair, something else let go, I think I was somehow letting go of some part of the ego that needs feeding and wasn't being fed. In this letting go emerged this realisation about the Boddhisattva nature of the work that we do. It's wet, I'm damp, it's cold, it's 9.15pm on a Friday night, nobody is at home when I call, and I'd rather be a million and one other places than here. Then it hits me, the Boddhisattva ideal, of gaining Enlightenment for the sake of all beings. There is no thanking for the ego in my night so far, this work has been purely selfless I realise, but I have never really connected with a felt sense of it. Sure, my friends have said kind things to me like that they're really proud of me, and that they couldn't do this work themselves, and that they're really pleased I'm doing work that helps other people, but I've never really taken their comments to heart, until now. Some softness emerges, and I feel like the aspiration to be a Boddhisattva is with me all of a sudden, and I realise that door-knocking for Karuna is about much much more than getting strange yellow forms with people's bank details on them.

At this point of despair, I feel an intense beauty and a connection with the longing for the will to enlightenment for the sake of all beings arising in the Universe. Later I realise that the card I found this afternoon in my papers of Kshitigarbha was there for a reason. This card happens to have been painted by Visuddhimati, whose door I'd knocked on by chance earlier this week. I had never met her before, and until tonight I had no idea that this card I have was painted by her. I don't believe in coincidence - I believe in sychronicity, and somehow I get this sense of our interconnectedness as beings in the Universe.

I believe that somehow seeing this card earlier and pulling it out and putting it on my desk, being drawn to it, somehow in my despairing hell realm this evening, a boddhisattva has made his presence known. Thirty seconds later I knock on Helge's door, a Danish guy I met a few nights ago. His son answers and I explain who I am. Santavajri's words about staying present to what it happening just in the moment, in the present moment, reasonate in my ears. The young son goes away and I can hear him talking about the Karuna booklet with his Dad. I wonder if they are going to give it back to me, or sign up. Helge appears and explains they'd like to sign up. He asks me if it will help me more if he signs up there and then with me, or if I give him a form and he sends it in. I explain to him that yes it will help me if he fills it in there and then. He smiles, and invites me in.

Later he tells me he was a bit hesitant on the doorstep because his dinner had just been served up by his wife in the other room. But he felt like because he knows I called the other day and he wasn't in, then he was keen to help me. I feel humbled by his consideration. At his doorstep I had let go of any expectations, and as we sit at the kitchen table, although I feel warmed by the inside of someone's house and also his generous intentions, I feel as if I have also let go of any expectations of how much he might sign up for. It's just not in my thinking at all. I'm enjoying the arising of the Boddhisattva image in my mind, and the sweet perfume of the lillies on his table. He asks me if £30 a month is ok, and I smile and reply that yes, it's great, it's very generous, and thank him wholeheartly and tell him he has made my night. This is the largest standing order I have ever received for Karuna and I believe it has happened tonight because I have really been able to sit with and let go into my despair. Somewhere amidst that, I have been shown that there is something else. There is a Boddhisattva sitting in there with me and for this reason only I will cherish this cold damp dark night for many year's to come.