The matrix and the scoreboard

They have taken to calling me Neo, the chosen one, out of the film, the Matrix. Abhilasa is Morpheus, and Naomi is Trinity. Each night before we go out we talk to each other. Morpheus tells me that I should watch my back for agents out there. Trinity that she will guard me from the Sentinels. I put on my black glasses and my bike helmet and make my way to the garden shed where my bike awaits.

There is something about being Neo that deeply appeals to me. It's the hero's journey, that archetypal story. This appeal I have contacted the hero within at times, and I feel very positive about the whole experience of the past six weeks.

One thing I know about myself is that I love praise, I love affection and attention, I love affirmation. It's not that I don't like fundraising on Karuna appeals, I do actually love the experience. The interactions with the householders, the living in a community, bonding as a team, I love all of this. But at the end of the day, night after night, you do not always receive praise, and affection and affirmation from the householders. There is one thing for sure that you will receive, that is rejection, and people saying no. This is a constant and all that counts is how you work with it.

What I've tried to do more and more on this appeal is to love myself, be kind to myself and to be compassionate. I've found that the more able I am to do this, the more able I am to bring this into the space between the householder and me the more I experience positive mental states, and feel connected to love and compassion. I've also found that I've started to receive many of these gifts back from the householders. When people say no these days it's often said in a softer way, with a few more words attached, like: go well, god bless, it's great work you're doing, I wish you well. These words are beautiful and make it more likely that I will make money at the next door. I see more deeply how interconnected we all are. I do not think twice about speaking to strangers now. I said hi to the street cleaner yesterday, and she looked up at me and beamed this gorgeous smile back at me, she looked so pleased to be taken in. I felt genuinely warmed.

The scoreboard has loomed large for me on this appeal. Today it reads that we have £230 left to fundraise in standing orders tonight. I am in third place at the moment on the scoreboard, having raised £196 in standing orders so far, I desperately want to make it over the £200 mark. I realise I am measuring myself by the standards of my last appeal where I made about £210. It would be nice to go over this I think. But I'll have to let go in order to do that.

Abhilasa has met his target (£270), and Naomi is close to hers. I have to raise £57 in standing orders in order to make my target tonight. Paddy is close behind me, and so it feels that anything could happen in our final night. I think about the scenario where I come in last on the scoreboard, and although it feels painful to think about this, also somewhere I am grateful to Karuna for this opportunity. How many other jobs allow you to hide behind things? With this job, it's all there up front in front of you. You either make money or you don't and then you deal in a creative way with your experiences and emotions around it all. There is no place to hide, not here, not on the streets, not with the householders. It's all about being seen, in all our full human vulnerability, glory, frailness and brilliance. It's full of contradictions, full of ups and downs, such are our lives, they are truly reflected back to us on these appeals.

It is possible, anything is possible out there on the door steps as I have already experienced. But right now, it feels like a stretch, a big ask to make this money tonight. Last night I made £30 in standing orders. One woman signed for £20 a month, and another woman for £10 per month. It was a good evening, not because I signed people up (although that always helps) but because I felt loving and connected towards myself, and the universe felt full of possibility, of abundance, of opening, of love.

At 4pm we chanted several Ratnasambhava mantras and made as much noise as we could with our instruments...our singing bowls and shakers. At the end of my meditation, the room had turned yellow and was full of radiant Ratnasambhava light and yellow standing order forms. The energy in the room was glowing and freely flowing. I took this energy out with me onto the doors. Just trying to stay in the present moment. When people said yes, I let it in, was fully present, and then let it all pass through me, not getting intoxicated by it, moving onto the next "present moment". When people said no, the same thing happened, not attaching to it, I let it go through me and it left me. The evening felt beautiful, and I felt really connected to myself and the householders.

Today it's my intention to try to do the same thing, to feel this spaciousness and connection and love and metta towards myself and my experience. If I focus on the scoreboard some sense of tightness creeps into me, I see myself madly running around my patch trying to get people to sign up, you can't do it, ok, I won't pause, I'll run to the next house. This is what I want to avoid tonight. I don't want to base my experience on my "will" for me, which is to make money. I think about what the Universe's will is for me tonight, what am I supposed to be doing? To meet what arises with kindness and compassion, and openness and spaciousness. All of a sudden typing these words I feel more grounded and serene. Do I want my present moments to be full of angst, tightness and stress, or spacious and serene? I'll take the latter. I know that I'll have a better time out tonight if I try to use all my experience of my spiritual practice in order to just go out there and be of service tonight. I know now that the work we do is heroic, there are no feelings of shame left for me about this work. I know that it is an act of love to go out there, for myself and for others, to just try to genuinely open my door and connect. If I come from that place, I'll be held by the universe.

The team have now raised over £50,000 for Karuna and whatever happens tonight we can be so proud of ourselves. I have raised £11,700 personally for Karuna which I would say is a pretty good six weeks work. If I focus on this, I feel a sense of abundance, and I know that focusing on that will help me with raising the £57 in standing orders that is left for me tonight. On the other hand, I know if I don't get it, I can still be proud of what this amazing team have achieved, and that I've been a part of it.